The Downward Spiral

Being fatter than one used to be is depressing. My plumpage started with the first highly addictive game I picked up. It was called Realms of Despair.

I poured every ounce of myself into it. As a young man, I played every damn role-playing game that existed. Final Fantasy, Secret of Mana, Musashi, Parasite Eve, Chrono Trigger, Secret of Evermore, and on and on. I found Realms of Despair, henceforth referred to as The Crack, after watching a random TV show that exhibited a text based video game. I was drawn to it's glory like a moth to flame. I did some research and what I found amazed me. A free multiplayer fantasy world where I could experience first-hand becoming a mysterious mage, a terrible warrior, a backstabbing rogue, or an angelic cleric. These kind of text-based experiences are called Multi-User Dungeons or MUDs. I became Cauthon, Elven Ranger.

I stopped going out as much. My girlfriend, who was always a top priority, became a nuisance. Due in part to my negligence, the relationship culminated with her in bed with two men. Yes, it was flattering that it took two men to replace me, but mildy disturbing. Of course there is more to it than this. Her alcoholism for example was also a key factor, but this topic is for another time. Needless to say, this game was pivotal in my life.

Fortunately, beer and tits held my attention better than a game could and I stopped playing. The next several years were defining and set the foundation for who I am growing into. During this time, I realized the sky was the limit. I could do anything I wanted if I only had the balls to go for it. Total freedom can only be achieved if one is unafraid of consequences. Please understand that I am not condoning being irresponsible or disregarding cause and effect. True freedom is when you ACCEPT the consequences, not ignore or run from them. Example: Say, I find a girl attractive. My choices are 1. Let her know how I feel and see what happens. - or - 2. Punk out and never find out. There are two consequences to the first choice. I will succeed or fail. If I go for it and she digs me then A-fuckin-men. If I go for it and she dogs me then boo-fuckin-hoo. I accepted the consequence and moved on.

The worst thing in the world is regret. It is unfathomable to me why people would conciously choose not to find out a result of a choice. In the event she doesn't dig you, wouldn't you want to know why so you could fix the dealbreaker that ruined your chance for the next time? How will you ever become more than you are if you refuse to take chances and challenge yourself?

I went to college and it was more of the same. People were amazed by the things I did. I was held in awe because I was able to take chances on experiences everyone wanted to have, but for whatever reason were held back. I was unafraid of consequences. I accepted my choices. I knew if something went wrong, it was my fault. In realizing this, I became my own master. If there was something I wanted to do, I did it without hesitation and with very few exceptions. Please understand that in certain cases, where I did not particularly like the outcomes of a choice, I would choose the choice most beneficial to me. I was not impulsive to the point of stupidity.

I was on top of the world. I had girl after girl, drank beer after beer, and did stupid thing after stupid thing for no other reason than I chose to. Also, I was slowly growing up with the help and patience of others. I was becoming less selfish, more caring, and a little less crazy. I was incremently becoming an adult.

I picked the game up again. I'm not real sure why, because my life was on track. My guess is that as my lifestyle became less audacious I needed something to occupy me. Or maybe it was my surreal reality I was addicted to and I needed a replacement reality to fill the boredom of getting old. Who knows? Suffice it to say, the pattern began again. Less partying, less schoolwork, and less time with my wife. As I got older and things were getting harder, I played more. I created a downward spiral effect. I wasn't physical in any manifestation. I blew up like a fucking balloon. I was beautiful, but now I have small man boobs. I got depressed. I played more. Fear set in. I played more. Every choice had the unacceptable consequence of taking me away from my game, away from the reality where I was safe. I took no chances. I got larger. I played more. I had become the exact opposite of all I held true to my heart. I betrayed myself. I played more.

For five years this spiral continued. A few times I was able to come up for air, but the game was always there pulling me down like a pair of cement shoes. Everytime I had a glimmer of hope, the game released a shiny new weapon for me to get or my unknowing, online friends would be strengthening the chains of my bondage. Due to a series of fortunate events, I broke free of this cycle. I have not been here a lot in the past five years, but I am here now. It saddens me to think of moments I may have missed with family and friends, but I never have to feel guilty again. I am free.

Now that I am Me again, every pound that comes off is a pledge that lends credence to the fact I am more than I ever was. Not the child I was in college, but not the bum I have been in adulthood. I am stronger, wiser, more resilient, and ready once again take on the world.

I am Me again.

I've never been good at writing about myself or organizing my thoughts into a cohesive form because my Brain is chaotic. No sooner than the first thought is coming in, it's being replaced with two or more thoughts that are in response to the original thought. Then I follow the branch that is the most relevant and continue the process. If I come to a dead end, my mind will jump back to a previous thought and continue. My wife finds it hilarious when this process is verbalized. To most people it seems like incoherent ramblings, but to her it's just one of Steve's many quirks.

However, I do feel that my Brain makes me special because I see connectivity everywhere I go. I see how one thing leads to another, which is why I am constantly uttering the phrase, "Be sure you think that all the way through." It is amazing to me how most people cannot see the ramifications of their day to day choices. Now, I'm not saying that I am all knowing and never make a mistake. God and everyone else knows that I fuck up constantly, but I am usually pretty quick to see how, when, and why I fucked up when given a nudge in the right direction.

Case in point on the former point, when I wrote that little bit, my Brain was all over the place. I went through topics ranging from the point and purpose of writing to how many things that I'd like to express and every point in the middle. So to pick a topic that is continuously coming to the forefront of my Brain...

It seems, like everyone else, I have issues. I am currently battling an addiction to gaming. You laugh? Ask my family and friends about the hilarity of the situation. They would tell you how much they've missed me even though I was always within arm's reach. They would tell you how much of my life passed me by as I sat glued to a screen. They would tell you how I defended my habit with the self-justifying fervor of any drug addict.

Having said that, I think it's important to point out how difficult a person I can be. Arrogant, selfish, defensive, survivalistic, intelligent, self-righteous, logical.... I could go on, but suffice it to say, I'm not a person you want to verbally spar with or try to force me to alter a topic or idea I hold as true. It never goes or ends well. Due to the strength of my personality and depth of my energy, I can have a person swearing that the sun comes out at night. Sound arrogant? It is, but true.

Back on point, I ask you to think of how much responsibility a good-intentioned individual has to endure having the potential to alter one's reality, purposeful or otherwise, and in doing so change their life for better or worse. Too much. It scares me. God knows how much irreparable damage I may have done to people by altering their perceptions. It's all about connectivity and the far-reaching consequences of each of our choices. The pressure to recognize and monitor this phenomena is enough to want to desire an alternate reality to escape to. A reality that you don't have to be afraid or tread lightly, because anything you do has little to no lasting effect on anything. Unfortunately, there is no reset button in the real world.

If you take this concept a bit further, which my Brain always does, one becomes afraid of everything. You become impotent, scared to move forward or backward. Only resentfully taking action or grudgingly making decisions when the world forces you to. Over time, I have become scared of myself. I am scared of aggressively seeking my destiny. I don't know why though. Is it failure or success I am afraid of? I have never been afraid in a game. Regardless, gaming is an escape as potent and dangerous as any narcotic. You are in control in a game. I have always been the aggressive individual in the game. I have the respect I desire in the game. I have the prestige I seek in the game. People ask and act upon my opinions in the game. I have everything every human could possibly desire, but not where I want it. I want it in real life.

At one point or another, I've had that list in reality and still do to some extent. I have a few residual or ingrained personality attributes leftover from my previous incarnation that people cannot help responding to, which in turn empowers my true nature to flare up and pummel my current pathetic incarnation. These sparks were rare. Lately, however, my true self has been slamming his fists against his walls, trying to climb out of the oubliette my weaker self stuffed him into. Luckily for me, when my true self sets his mind firmly on an objective, he becomes a force of nature. For months, his railing has become louder and more pervasive throughout my Brain. On Saturday, June 23rd 2007, he broke free. He picked me up, looked me in the eye, and demanded retribution. With the help of the enduring love of my wife, I was able to give it to him. The game is gone. It is off my computer and out of my life. I have been healed and made whole. It was a long time in coming, but Steve is back.