I've never been good at writing about myself or organizing my thoughts into a cohesive form because my Brain is chaotic. No sooner than the first thought is coming in, it's being replaced with two or more thoughts that are in response to the original thought. Then I follow the branch that is the most relevant and continue the process. If I come to a dead end, my mind will jump back to a previous thought and continue. My wife finds it hilarious when this process is verbalized. To most people it seems like incoherent ramblings, but to her it's just one of Steve's many quirks.
However, I do feel that my Brain makes me special because I see connectivity everywhere I go. I see how one thing leads to another, which is why I am constantly uttering the phrase, "Be sure you think that all the way through." It is amazing to me how most people cannot see the ramifications of their day to day choices. Now, I'm not saying that I am all knowing and never make a mistake. God and everyone else knows that I fuck up constantly, but I am usually pretty quick to see how, when, and why I fucked up when given a nudge in the right direction.
Case in point on the former point, when I wrote that little bit, my Brain was all over the place. I went through topics ranging from the point and purpose of writing to how many things that I'd like to express and every point in the middle. So to pick a topic that is continuously coming to the forefront of my Brain...
It seems, like everyone else, I have issues. I am currently battling an addiction to gaming. You laugh? Ask my family and friends about the hilarity of the situation. They would tell you how much they've missed me even though I was always within arm's reach. They would tell you how much of my life passed me by as I sat glued to a screen. They would tell you how I defended my habit with the self-justifying fervor of any drug addict.
Having said that, I think it's important to point out how difficult a person I can be. Arrogant, selfish, defensive, survivalistic, intelligent, self-righteous, logical.... I could go on, but suffice it to say, I'm not a person you want to verbally spar with or try to force me to alter a topic or idea I hold as true. It never goes or ends well. Due to the strength of my personality and depth of my energy, I can have a person swearing that the sun comes out at night. Sound arrogant? It is, but true.
Back on point, I ask you to think of how much responsibility a good-intentioned individual has to endure having the potential to alter one's reality, purposeful or otherwise, and in doing so change their life for better or worse. Too much. It scares me. God knows how much irreparable damage I may have done to people by altering their perceptions. It's all about connectivity and the far-reaching consequences of each of our choices. The pressure to recognize and monitor this phenomena is enough to want to desire an alternate reality to escape to. A reality that you don't have to be afraid or tread lightly, because anything you do has little to no lasting effect on anything. Unfortunately, there is no reset button in the real world.
If you take this concept a bit further, which my Brain always does, one becomes afraid of everything. You become impotent, scared to move forward or backward. Only resentfully taking action or grudgingly making decisions when the world forces you to. Over time, I have become scared of myself. I am scared of aggressively seeking my destiny. I don't know why though. Is it failure or success I am afraid of? I have never been afraid in a game. Regardless, gaming is an escape as potent and dangerous as any narcotic. You are in control in a game. I have always been the aggressive individual in the game. I have the respect I desire in the game. I have the prestige I seek in the game. People ask and act upon my opinions in the game. I have everything every human could possibly desire, but not where I want it. I want it in real life.
At one point or another, I've had that list in reality and still do to some extent. I have a few residual or ingrained personality attributes leftover from my previous incarnation that people cannot help responding to, which in turn empowers my true nature to flare up and pummel my current pathetic incarnation. These sparks were rare. Lately, however, my true self has been slamming his fists against his walls, trying to climb out of the oubliette my weaker self stuffed him into. Luckily for me, when my true self sets his mind firmly on an objective, he becomes a force of nature. For months, his railing has become louder and more pervasive throughout my Brain. On Saturday, June 23rd 2007, he broke free. He picked me up, looked me in the eye, and demanded retribution. With the help of the enduring love of my wife, I was able to give it to him. The game is gone. It is off my computer and out of my life. I have been healed and made whole. It was a long time in coming, but Steve is back.
No comments:
Post a Comment